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My Dear Husband,

I see you.

You are the glue that holds our home and our family together. You do your very best to support and supply us, and I couldn’t have asked God for a better mate.

I’ll say it over and over again, you are my rock.

There are days that you may think that no matter what you do, I’m not happy. You help with laundry, the dishes, and are a talented handy man. More than likely, if it’s broken you can fix it.  You do all these things to make sure our family is organized and safe. You’re a great helper, and you never complain. And I don’t say thank you quite enough.

I appreciate you. I really do. You’re doing a wonderful job with our children.. and with me.  And I love you so much. You need to know that I am happy with you.

I’m just not necessarily happy with me. Both inside and out.

I’m doing my best, though.

On the outside what you see is a tired and worn woman. Her hair has been in the same messy bun for 3 days. Her eyes show age from several sleepless nights along with yesterdays smeared makeup. Her clothes reek of body odor,  spit up, and her shirt shows signs of last nights dinner.Her smile is forced, and her voice is optimistic. She doesn’t want you to notice or worry about what she is going through inside.

You have enough on your plate.

You won’t see her sitting much unless it’s to feed the baby, help with homework, eat,or to do work on the computer. The baby only settles with her; she loves it but really wishes she had a little break sometimes. The laundry is spread across the living room floor in an attempt to be folded and put away. The garbage is overflowing into an Amazon box nearby, while fruit flies hover over. The medical bill she said she’d call on weeks ago, still sits in the pile of papers on the table, untouched. The beds haven’t been made and the carpet hasn’t been vacuumed. All the clean dishes in the dishwasher have nearly made their way to join the dirty ones in the sink. There is so much hair in the shower drain, it could be woven into an intricate rug.

The list can go on..and yet you never complain about it. You never ask why it’s not done, or how it is I didn’t get to it today. You know that it may hurt me to know you’ve noticed. You know I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want to feel like a failure today.

Even though, most likely I still will.

My Dear Husband,

I need you to be patient with me; with my sudden bouts of frustration, my irrational emotions and my absentmindedness,  with my slow response time. With my moments of selfishness, and with my anxiousness and with my depressed days. When I snap at you or at the kids – my heart is tired and so am I. It kills me when I’m this way and I’m so hard on my self afterwards…

I’m trying..

I know there are moments when you are at the end of your rope or at your wits end trying to figure out how to help me, how to cheer me up or make me smile when I’m having a hard time.

I want to make it easy for you, husband.

There is only one thing you can do:  I really need you love me harder in these moments. A Jesus kind-of-love. One that’s undeserved but given through grace. Lord knows I don’t deserve it, but I need your friendship, and your honesty. I need you to press your hand up under my chin, look me in the eyes and simply say “I love you.”

When I try to push you away because I’m frustrated with myself, I’m ashamed of my day or who I’ve been, or if I want to be alone, please don’t let me.

Chase after me.

Hug me.

Hold me.

Love me.

Forgive me.

… and please know that I’m becoming more happy inside each day that passes. I’m working on me, God’s working in me, and I know that it’s hard to watch sometimes. I am not there yet, I want to be my best at all these things, and it’s really hard to. I”m learning that perfect isn’t what I need to seek, but purpose.

Please don’t give up on me. I need you to remind me I’m doing a good job. That I’m enough. I know God’s working a new life into me and I can’t wait for you to see it. It’s coming, I promise.

Until then, My Dear Husband, I see you, and I love you.

Sincerely,

Me

Psalms 108:4